


but i need you

by itainthardtryin



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, it's angst with a dash of smut, izzie is just really scared and really turned on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-29 00:02:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21400837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itainthardtryin/pseuds/itainthardtryin
Summary: Izzie's emotional journey between the dance scene and when she kisses Casey in the hall.(aka the one where Izzie gets herself off because she's so turned on from dancing with Casey, but then it all comes crashing down.)
Relationships: Casey Gardner/Izzie
Comments: 4
Kudos: 429





	but i need you

She hears the opening notes of Moby Rich’s ‘Yoko Ono’ and smiles because this is a song she’s jammed out to many times before. But watching Casey move to the rhythm, their bodies moving together in sync, is something she could never have prepared for. 

At first it’s light and playful, but very quickly Izzie finds herself face to face with Casey and her smile drops. She can’t think of anything other than how she wants Casey’s lips against her own and the rest of the world fades away as they dance closer. 

She feels Casey’s nose touch her forehead and her breath on her face. She wants nothing more than to close the space between them and kiss her, but suddenly the rest of the world comes back into focus and she’s very aware they’re surrounded by people. She’s not ready for them to know she’s dating a girl. Are they dating? She doesn’t even know what they are. But she knows she has to get away from Casey as fast as she can before she does something she can’t take back. 

“What are you doing?” she asks in a panic. 

Casey frowns. “Nothing. I’m- I’m dancing.” 

Izzie hates herself but she just can’t push past the fear. “We talked about this. I don’t need to advertise my personal business to the world.” 

Casey looks confused and slightly heartbroken at her words and it doesn’t help with the weight already pressing down on Izzie’s chest. “I just- I need water,” she says before walking away. As she does, she can feel the tears threatening to fall but she won’t give in. Not here. Not at the party. 

She makes her way into the other room and grabs a bottle of water from a cooler. She feels too hot, but at the same time she’s shaking slightly and she hates that Casey’s touch can affect her this much. 

“Water, huh? Someone really knows how to party.” It’s a guy she’s never seen before. 

“It’s- it’s been a long night,” she lies. 

“At, what,” he checks the time on his phone, “nine thirty?! I didn’t know a girl as hot as you could be so lame,” he jokes. 

Izzie hears the compliment and sees an opportunity. She’s still worked up from being so close to Casey, and this guy is clearly wanting someone to make out with, so she puts two and two together. “Just because it’s been a long night, doesn’t mean I’m not still up for some fun,” she flirts. “C’mon, let’s go back in.” 

They opt to stay by the door and Izzie glances in Casey’s direction a few times while they’re chatting. Casey seems to be having fun with Sharice, so she turns her attention back to the guy. She hasn’t really paying any attention to what he’s been saying, so she opts for “How come I’ve never seen you at any track meets before?”

“Can’t risk any distractions during races I guess,” he replies. “And you’d _ definitely _ be a distraction.” 

She laughs at his terrible pick up line but uses it as an in. “How about I distract you now?” she says, and he takes the bait. As their lips meet she keeps up the flirtatious exterior but her first thought is that his lips don’t feel the same as Casey’s. 

When they break away from the kiss, Izzie knows she needs to get out of there. She tells him she’s going to the bathroom, but instead she sneaks out the door before anyone can follow her. 

//

She’s sharing a room with Quinn, who she happens to pass in the hallway on the way back to their room. “Izzie! Just the person I needed to see. I’m.. uh… gonna stay in Tyler’s room tonight, so.. Cover for me if coach does the rounds, yeah?”

Izzie nods, “Yeah, okay. But be sensible, we have regionals in the morning,” she reminds her, knowing she won’t take her own advice. 

“Thanks Iz,” Quinn says, quickly making her way down the hall and into Tyler’s room. 

Izzie walks a little further down the corridor until she’s at her hotel room and as soon as she’s inside with the door firmly closed behind her, the tears start to fall. She’s so _ angry _ with herself for how she acted with Casey, for her complete lack of bravery when it comes to showing affection in public. She wants to punch something, to scream, to lash out. Instead, she puts the lock on the door and makes her way into the bathroom. 

She looks in the mirror and sees that her make-up is smudged from crying. It only makes her feel worse and she pulls out a wipe to remove the rest of it. She stares at her bare-faced reflection in the mirror and can’t recognise the girl looking back at her. Who is she? Is she in love with Casey? Does that make her gay? Will her mom accept her if she is? Will the Gardners be less welcoming if they know she’s kissing their daughter?

So many questions run through her mind and she doesn’t have the answer to any of them. She only knows two things for certain - 1) she’s still worked up from dancing with Casey and 2) Quinn always packs a bottle of vodka. 

//

Izzie downs three quarters of the bottle before she starts scrolling through the pictures of her and Casey on her phone. Every single one makes her heart ache and that anger swells in her chest again at her inability to show Casey how deep her feelings really are. 

The alcohol raises her body temperature, so she takes off her sweater and her skirt and crawls back under the covers in just her underwear. The room seems too quiet all of a sudden so Izzie opens up Spotify and knows there’s only one song she can play.

The opening notes transport her back into that moment with Casey. Izzie can almost feel her presence beside her and her heart longs to be close to her again. 

The thought of Casey’s body so close to her own ignites a spark deep in her stomach and if she was sober she would ignore it. But she’s a little drunk, there are too many thoughts going through her head, and she knows there’s one way to completely block them out. 

Her hand moves slowly down her stomach and makes its way underneath her waistband. She feels how wet she already is at the thought of Casey and takes a deep breath to steady herself. She doesn’t want to think about the implications of that. Of how she’s more turned on by the memory of Casey dancing so close to her than she ever was with Nate, even when they were having sex. 

She starts a slow, circular rhythm and imagines it’s Casey touching her, softly at first but applying more pressure gradually. With her eyes closed, it’s easy to remember how it felt kissing Casey at the track, how she pulled her closer, how she looked into Izzie’s eyes as their lips parted. It’s easy to remember how right it felt to be dancing so close to her, how her body ached to be even closer. It’s easy to remember every single detail she’s memorised about Casey and they replace all her doubts, her worries, her demons. 

Izzie keeps up her steady rhythm but it’s not enough. She needs more. She traces her fingers along her folds, before bringing one to her entrance. She teases herself for a few seconds, before dipping in. Her finger slides in easily and she quickly adds a second. 

She moves in and out, slowly at first but getting quicker as she adjusts. Her whole body reacts to the sensation and it’s like she can feel Casey all over her. As her right hand works her closer, she brings her left to her breast and imagines its Casey’s hands roaming her body. 

Izzie quickens her pace as her breathing becomes more shallow. She curls her fingers slightly inside herself, and her hips jerk forward at the change in sensation. She keeps going, adjusting her body so her fingers can go a little deeper 

She can feel her release building, so she brings her other hand down to help and it’s less than 30 seconds before Izzie falls over the edge. It envelops her entire body like a wave. As she comes, her back arches off the bed and there’s only one thought on her mind… Casey, Casey, Casey. 

After a few drawn out moments of euphoria, everything comes crashing down hard. Izzie breaks completely. She can’t remember the last time she cried like this. She feels each sob rise from deep in her chest and swears her heart is physically about to break.

The anger comes back in floods too. She balls her hands up into fists, trying to control it. She ends up punching the mattress beside her, purposely channelling her emotions into something that isn’t going to hurt her even more. She can feel her breaths getting shallower and quicker, and she attempts to steady herself, not wanting a panic attack to hit when she’s alone like this with no-one to guide her through it. 

She manages to calm herself slightly, but her heart is aching and she knows she has to do something to make it better. Not only for herself, but for Casey too.

She closes her eyes again, her breathing still shaky, and tries to remember the more comforting memories she has with Casey. She thinks about the calm that washed over her in Casey’s arms when she appeared at her door, crying. She thinks about the smiles on both their faces as they caught each other’s eye when Casey was studying in her room. She thinks about how soft Casey’s lips were when she felt them against her own for the first time, and how everything seemed to fall into place. 

Right on cue, fear starts creeping in again but this time Izzie pushes it down. She imagines greeting Casey with a kiss after class. Putting her hands on her waist and pulling her closer as they dance at a party. Falling asleep with her arm around her and waking up with their positions reversed. 

She knows that’s exactly what her heart wants and, for the first time, she allows her herself to believe she could actually have it. 

The thought brings a new wave of tears, but for a completely different reason. She knows she’s the only obstacle standing in her way. So much will change in her life if she does this - the world might be more accepting, but there are still so many people out there who’ll never see her love for Casey as equal to if she were with a guy.

That thought stops her. 

Her love for Casey. 

Love. 

It’s _ terrifying _, but the realisation sweeps over her and it gives her the answer to one of the questions that had clouded her mind earlier.

She’s scared as hell, but knows she needs to push through it for Casey. All of it is worth it for her. Izzie can keep pulling away, running when things get tough, but it just hurts both of them. And hurting Casey is the last thing she wants to do. She needs to run into it, grab it with both hands, make sure Casey knows she’s serious about them. 

She wipes away the tears that are still on her cheeks, gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom to splash water on her face and sober up. She catches herself in the mirror again and she looks even worse than before. But this time her eyes are filled with determination. 

She’s going to get her girl. 

//

Regionals isn’t the right time. She needs to focus. Casey needs to focus. She knows how distractions can affect Casey’s performance and she wouldn’t do that to her. Not when she has an opportunity to be scouted for UCLA. 

She catches Casey’s eye from across the track and gives her a small wave. Casey doesn’t wave back. 

Izzie channels her disappointment into something useful and runs as fast as she can in their race, but of course Casey’s faster. She can’t be mad about it. Casey trains harder than anyone she knows. 

The crowd goes wild when she wins and Izzie celebrates too. She loves seeing Casey so happy. “You looked good out there, Newton,” she says with a smile, but her words are met with silence. 

She tries not to let it show, but her stomach sinks. 

//

She doesn’t see Casey for two days after that, and those two days feel like an eternity. 

Izzie runs through what she’s going to say. She plans a big speech, rehearses it in her head over and over and over. 

All of it goes out the window when Izzie spots her walking down the hall and takes her chance. Her heart is racing as she says, “Hey, can we talk?”

She thought Casey would have come round a little by now, so she’s thrown by her response. “Nope.”

Panic sets in and she follows Casey down the corridor. “I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sick of you apologising,” Casey replies and it cuts though Izzie like a knife. “You led me on, you’re jerking me around. I hate it.” 

She knows she did and she doesn’t blame Casey for hating it. She hates it too. She chooses her words carefully, afraid she’ll say too much. She avoids one ‘l’ word and opts for the other. “I really like you,” she says, desperately attempting to get her feelings across. 

“Yeah, in this moment!” Casey fires back. “But in like ten minutes you might be embarrassed by me or kissing some random guy.” She didn’t know Casey saw that. Fuck. “Just leave me alone.” 

That’s the last thing Izzie wants to do and she knows she needs to think quickly as Casey storms off. “Newton?”

“What?!” 

Izzie closes the space between them and kisses her right there in the middle of the hall. She doesn’t care about the other students walking by, she doesn’t care about getting caught by a teacher, all she cares about is this girl in front of her and how much she loves her. 

When she pulls away she makes sure Casey knows she means it. “I’m done being weird.”

Casey smiles slightly and Izzie’s heart calms a little. “That was pretty weird.”

When she doesn’t say anything else, Izzie gets nervous. “Bad weird?”

Relief sweeps through her when Casey wraps her arm around her shoulders and pulls her closer. She knows, right then, that she wants to be by Casey's side forever. And when Casey kisses her outside Coach Crowley's office a few days later, she allows herself to believe she might actually be. 


End file.
